Things I'll Never Say
by WhoserLoser
Summary: **Warning: This is a slash story, meaning malexmale. It you don't like, don't read. Pairing: Jovanthony. Kind of.** Joshua Ovenshire never thought he'd get where he was today. He was partially talking about his success as being a youtuber, sure, but he was mainly talking about his feelings, as girly as it sounds. All because of Anthony.


**Hey, hey! I'm back again. It's been a bit rough due to personal stuff, people passing away, school, all the...stuff. Anyways, this is another song fic about a relatively new pairing that I like known as Jovanthony (Jovenshire (Or Joshua Ovenshire)/Anthony Padilla) . The song it is based off is called Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne. Italics are for the song lyrics.**

**This was also written a while ago (I want to say a year ago) and I just haven't typed it up yet. It's really shitty. But I hope you enjoy anyways (: **

Joshua Ovenshire, or rather Jovenshire, as he is known in Smosh Games and usually by his fans, never thought he'd get where he was today. He was partially talking about his success as being a youtuber, sure, but he was mainly talking about his feelings, as girly as it sounds. And this probably never would have happened had he not met Anthony.

Anthony Padilla, one half of Smosh, was the reason he was thinking about his feelings. Jovenshire never even would have considered himself as gay. But at the same time, he couldn't be gay. Anthony was the only guy he could ever see himself having any actual relationship with. So maybe that meant he was...bisexual? Pansexual? Honestly there were so many different terms nowadays, Joven could barely keep up.

Everything about Anthony, though, just made Jovenshire's heart skip a beat. Like his chocolate brown eyes that anyone could get lost in. Or his defined chest that every man wanted and every woman wanted to...touch. Men and women wanted to touch, actually. Or his beautiful smile that could brighten anyone's bad day, including his own. His hair was another thing. After he changed up his hair, Anthony somehow managed to grow even more attractive.

But he wasn't going to tell anyone about how he was feeling. It wouldn't only ruin his friendship that he and Anthony had, but it would also ruin Smosh Games. He'd feel guilty if he were to ever do something like that to them.

"Earth to Joven." Lasercorn's, or rather David's, voice rang out, startling Joven out of his thoughts about Anthony. It caused a wave of laughter through the group while Joven's face turned a light red colour. Lasercorn raised one eyebrow, giving Joven an unsure, almost judgemental look. "Did you hear what I said or...?"

The group was currently filming another Smosh Games episode, but Joven's thoughts kept wandering and he just couldn't focus on the game or even his friends (the exception being Anthony of course. He usually paid attention to Anthony no matter what was going on). "Oh. Uh, sorry. What were you saying?"He asked awkwardly. It earned a concerned look from a few, including Anthony himself, so Joven threw a small smile onto his face.

Regular talking amongst them resumed after that, and even Joven seemed to be a bit better. They got on with the game as well and things seemed to be just fine, although there were a few of them who were still concerned about Joven.

 _I'm tugging at my hair, I'm pulling at my clothes_

 _I'm trying to keep my cool, I know it shows_

Joven ran a hand through his hair, trying to fix it a bit. Then he focused on his clothes, straightening them out to try and get rid of the creases. This was just another tiny example of what Anthony did to him. He just wanted to be perfect for the other man; he wanted to make it seem like he was worth it.

Who was he kidding though? Someone like him didn't have a chance with someone like Anthony.

He let out a small breath, that, thankfully, none of the others heard. At this point he was just trying to keep it together in front of them. It was getting increasingly harder with the more time that passed by. He played it off with stupid jokes, and his over the top acting. But he knew that someone was going to find out eventually.

 _I'm staring at my feet  
My cheeks are turning red  
I'm searching for the words inside my head_

Joven glanced down at his feet as his thoughts began to swarm again. He was thankfully done his turn so he got a bit of a break. Though he hadnt done too good, which wasnt much of a shocker, so he knew he'd most likely have to do the punishment. He was used to that by now. It wasn't even that bad of a punishment, if he were honest. It was just a duet with the person who had the worst and the second worst scores, since they were once again playing Just Dance.

He began to focus again when he saw that it was Anthony's turn next. He'd been waiting for Anthony to go for a while now since it was the only one that he actually wanted to watch.

A smile took over his face as he watched his secret crush dance along to the song, a small laugh escaping from between his lips. He couldn't help but let his eyes travel down to Anthony's perfect ass in his tight jeans, and it caused Joven to shift in his seat slightly as his cheeks heated up. Again. Everyone was too focused on the game to notice his blush, which he was thankful for.

The song seemed to be over too soon for Joven's liking, and Anthony was taking his seat again. Beside Joven. He focused on Anthony's score now and...saw that the slightly shorter man hadn't done so well. He almost did as bad as Joven.

His eyes widened as the thought suddenly seemed to dawn on him that he might have to dance with Anthony. It made his heart pound harshly in his chest. He couldnt handle it. He knew he'd end up making a fool of himself if he had to dance with Anthony. He already wasnt the best dancer and...next to Anthony? God only knows what would happen.

"Josh? Are you okay man?" Anthony whispered towards the other, not wanting to draw attention to themselves. "You don't look too good." He added in the same whispered tone, a hand sliding over to rest on Joven's knee and out of the view of the camera.

Joven tensed up, his breath catching in his throat which nearly caused him to choke. He had to put up a fight inside his mind as he tried to find out what exactly to say. His voice was caught in his throat now, only a tiny squeak coming out when he did try to say something. It took a few seconds before he managed to finally force something out. "M-me? Oh yeah. I'm totally fine. I...it's just that...I didnt sleep too well last night." He lied, hoping that it would be believable.

The way Joven stuttered a bit made Anthony scrunch up his face in a disbelieving way. "Joven, come on." He muttered out, giving him a serious look. They were still whsipering back and forth to make sure that the two of them werent being heard by the others. "You can't lie to me. You should know that by now." He added in a gentler voice.

Joven, in turn, let out a soft sigh as he looked down at his lap and fiddled with his fingers. "Stress." He whispered out now. It was kind of true; the stress of him dealing with his thoughts anyways, and with his feelings towards Anthony. He then looked back up and gave Anthony a small grin as if to hopefully convince him. "I'm fine. You really dont need to be worrying about me." He placed one of his own hands on top of Anthony's hand that was still on his knee, giving it a gentle pat. He didn't want to make this moment...too gay. If that were possible.

"I always worry about you. You're my friend, man. One of the best I've ever had." Anthony spoke up quietly again as Joven turned his head to watch Lasercorn finish up with his turn. "I worry about all of you guys." He added, a small smile playing on his lips.

 _('Cause) I'm feeling nervous  
Trying to be so perfect  
'Cause I know you're worth it  
You're worth it  
Yeah_

Joven's smile grew a bit bigger at those words. Yet he was only slightly upset by the word friend. But he couldn't exactly complain since it was his own fault that they were still 'just friends'. He wasn't able to man up and confess his feelings to the other male. At least he had Anthony as a friend rather than nothing at all. He didnt say anything as Anthony gave his knee a gentle squeeze and then pulled his hand away completely.

Everyone had finished up by now and Joven had just barely made it through the episode without zoning out again. But luckily Anthony had been able to keep his head in the game. In a literal way.

"And the two with the lowest scores are, Joven with a total of 6234, and Anthony with a total of 7345!" Ian exclaimed, and Joven seemed to finally realize what was going on. He hadnt heard any of the previous conversation up until that point. He had been thinking about Anthony yet again, and staring at the television screen ahead of him. Now he realized...he really was dancing with Anthony. And he had no idea what to do; he didnt know how to react.

"Wait, what?" Joven asked. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he blinked a few times. But then it all seemed to sink in for him. Right. He and Anthony would have to do the duet now. Fantastic. He could feel his heart start to pound in his chest again, and his nerves were increasing yet again. This was happening. He didn't have much of a choice. He let out a nervous laugh and shook it off. "Sorry. Never mind. Stupid question." He murmured out with a shrug. "I guess we should...uh, get to it then."

Everyone in the room could just sense the tension. It was obvious that joven had been acting different for a few days, nearly a week now. And the weird behaviour was usually directed Anthony's way. Ian shook his head, Lasercorn let out a small sigh of his own, Mari just gave Joven a rather harsh look, and Sohinki ran a gentle hand through his hair.

And Anthony...Anthony was the worst. He just looked hurt, wondering if he had done something to hurt Joven; wondering if he had gotten on Joven's bad side or something. He didnt get it. Why was Joven acting like this towards him?

Joven had gotten up out of his seat as if nothing had happened, wiping his sweaty palms off on his pants, licking at his dry lips out of nerves. He cleared his throat a bit, but grew confused when they hadnt set up the duet yet. "Uh..." He looked over at the other five, just now noticing that they were all pretty pissed.

Sohinki headed over to the camera, to pause the recording. And that was when Anthony decided to speak up and voice what they were thinking. "Did I do something wrong?" He asked, standing up in front of Joven with his arms crossed over his chest.

"What are you talki-" Joven started, only to be cut off by the fierce glare from Mari. He knew it easily meant he was walking on thin ice, and lying was only going to make all of this so much worse. "But-" He tried to start again, but was interrupted by Ian's voice this time. And Ian did not sound happy. At all.

"Don't pull that bullshit." Ian growled out, coming to Anthony's aid. Lasercorn, however, came to his side as he wanted to calm him down by wrapping an arm around his waist.

"Babe..." Lasercorn mumbled out, giving Ian a quick kiss to the cheek. "This is between Anthony and Joven. Come on. Let's give them some space." He added, before he lead the way out of the room with his arm still around Ian's waist in a gentle, comforting way. The others followed close behind them and out of the room as well.

That was quite the shock for everyone. When Iancorn became an actual couple. But of course everyone was happy for them; especially the fans. The Iancorn shippers were so excited to see their otp become true. While Joven also felt happy, he couldnt help but feel jealous as well. And that lead to Joven feeling guilty. He wanted a relationship with Anthony like the one that Ian and David had.

Anthony leaned against the closest wall, watching Joven from across the room. Well he guessed this was the time to have an actual chat with Joven, since they were left alone. Finally. "Can you talk to me? Or at least just look at me?" He asked, his voice low and full of a hurt tone. "I know it's not stress bugging you, and I'm going to find out what's really going on so you might as well tell me."

Joven worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he gave him a weak, humorless chuckle. "You don't want to know. You really really don't Anthony." He replied seriously, giving his head a shake. Joven was sure that Anthony was straight anyways, plus he had just broken up with Kalel a month or so ago.

At least David had found out that Ian was gay, so it gave him a bit of a chance. But Josh was sure he had no chance with Anthony, who he was sure was completely straight.

"I do! Because I fucking care about you, okay? I want to know why you, all of a sudden, don't seem to want anything to do with me!" Anthony shot back at him, getting a bit teary eyed. "I don't want to lose you." He added in a soft whisper, moving to stand in front of Joven now. He looked up at the taller male with a slight pleading look in his eyes.

 _What's wrong with my tongue  
These words keep slipping away  
I stutter, I stumble  
Like I've got nothing to say_

Joven looked down at him, his heart nearly breaking at the sight. Anthony just looked so upset and it made him...upset. "Hey. Stop that, man." Josh whispered out, bringing up a hand. He was about to place it on Anthony's cheek, but he quickly changed his mind and placed it on Anthony's shoulder instead. "You aren't loosing me. You should know that. You mean way too much to me. I'm not going anywhere." He reassured him before he lifted his hand up to Anthony's hair, ruffling it up a bit in a joking sort of way.

Anthony batted at the hand in his hair, shaking his own head now. "Stop." He murmured out, still not too happy. He didnt enjoy Joven's attempt to try and lighten the mood, since it hadnt even worked. The tension was still in the air between them. "Why do you keep pushing me away, hm? You are losing me by pushing me away!" He said rather loudly, his tender tone dissolving.

Joven flinched and pulled his hand away rather quickly, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I..." He didnt know what to say. Again, he was at a loss of words. "It...I...I..." He was stumbling and stuttering over his words, still not knowing what to say. What did he say to that without letting the truth slip out?

"You what, Joshua? Spit it out!" Anthony said, growing impatient with Josh's lack of answers. His words came out a bit more harshly than Anthony intended, and he wanted to regret it but yet he didnt. Because Josh was making him truly upset at this point.

"Anthony, please." Josh whispered out, unsure of what to do. He hesitated as he looked at the other male, taking in a deep breath to try and calm his beating heart. "Just calm down. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm not trying to push you away. Honestly." He tried to explain, bringing his hands up in a defensive sort of way. He jsut thought it was so much better like this, for the both of them; keeping his secret just that. A secret.

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on." Anthony argued, not even leaving room for Joven to argue or come up with any excuses. "If I did something, or if I upset you, you can tell me." He added, his gentle tone coming back to almost...lead Joven into explaining his secret.

"Stop blaming yourself. You didnt do anything." Joven replied seriously, his hand moving out now to finally caress Anthony's cheek in a loving sort of way. "It wasnt anything you did. It's...it's my own fault really. Okay? But from here on out I promise not to push you away anymore." He smiled a bit, letting his hand fall from Anthony's cheek.

Anthony pulled him into a tight hug soon after Joven had dropped his hand, his face burying into Joven's chest. "Sorry I snapped at you." He mumbled into the other's chest with a slight grin. He pulled back to look up at him after a few seconds, his own arms still around Joven's waist. "I love you, man."

"I...I love you too." Joven replied weakly, voice a bit shaky. There was so much truth in his words and voice and he just wanted Anthony to know. Without actually having to say the actual words. It was so hard to get the words out and...he had no idea what the outcome would be if he were to say it.

"Good. You better." Anthony chuckled, holding onto the hug for a little bit longer before he pulled away. "I'll go grab the rest of the rest of the guys and bring them back so we can finish up." He mumbled, heading out the door.

 _Guess I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say  
If I could say what I want to say  
I'd say I wanna blow you...away  
Be with you every night  
Am I squeezing you too tight  
If I could say what I want to see  
I want to see you go down  
On one knee  
Marry me today  
Guess, I'm wishing my life away  
With these things I'll never say  
These things I'll never say_

Joven watched him walk out, blinking back his own tears that were still clouding up his vision a bit. He could feel his composure slipping, as he slipped down the closest wall, letting out a small sob. "I'm in love with you." He whispered out, the five words finally leaving his lips. The words he never thought he'd say.

As he said those words though, he had no idea that Sohinki had actually left the camera on.

**So when I wrote this, I thought it could be a small little one shot. But really, it has potential for a second part to it. I guess just...let me know if you all want another part to it? :p And thank you to my few readers. I hope you all have an amazing day. (: **

**Thanks for reading this shitty one shot...**


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